Grow A Mustache And Survive Divorce

Chapter One
WHERE AM I?

How the hell did you end up here? Maybe she was perfect, or she was the girl of your dreams, or they were the “person you could see yourself growing old with”, and now it’s all… well it’s shit. She doesn’t return your calls and talks shit about you to her friends, and they took your dog and put that stupid fucking sweater on it. Being alone sucks. Being alone when you thought you’d never be alone again sucks WAY more. So how did you get here?

STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE:

Your sister has a very attractive friend who is in the same friend group as you and a few buddies. You guys are always crossing paths. She makes eye contact. You make eye contact. You blush a little. She finds out you’re into her; she has an epiphany that she’s into you. You both have different girlfriends and boyfriends. You finally hook up and things look great. Then you have a falling out, take a “break” even though you’re both not sure it was a break. You have various awkward interactions with each other, with your friends at the same coffee shop, with each other’s new significant others. You hook up again (and
again). Maybe get married in Vegas but get out of that one because alcohol is tough. Then one day she walks into your New York City apartment in the middle of your speech about not wanting her to
leave only to find out you will finally be together.

Too “Ross & Rachel” for ya? Maybe Friends isn’t your cup of tea. Maybe your relationship started more like “she likes country music” or “she likes that I wear flannel”. Regardless of how it started, it doesn’t fucking matter.

Relationships end. Not all of them, but most of them. Not just some, or half, MOST! 40% of first marriages end in divorce. 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Hell, all 8 of legendary radio host Larry King’s marriages ended in divorce (and two of those were the same woman twice). The King of the Mustache, Tom Selleck, has even been divorced. Did you really have a chance?

THE TALE OF “EDDIE & THE CHECKLIST”

There was a guy I knew back in the Army, let’s call him “Eddie”. Good dude. Solid soldier. Hilarious asshole. Terrible at relationships.

See, Eddie had a checklist for what he wanted in a partner. He didn’t write it down (or at least I don’t think he did), but he had an internal checklist that governed his entire dating life. His ideal woman?

• Hot (obviously).
• Fun (but not too fun, because, you know… ‘wife material’).
• Loyal (because his last girlfriend cheated).
• Chill (but also deeply obsessed with him).

The problem? Eddie didn’t actually know what a healthy relationship looked like. He had divorced parents who could barely be in the same room together (hell, they lived in different states), and most of his relationship wisdom came from movies where the guy always “wins” the girl with some grand romantic gesture like a boom box on the shoulder or by rushing in to crash the girl’s wedding after recently
finding out he was a prince (spoiler: real life doesn’t work that way, and your Schwartz isn’t going to take you there either).

Fast-forward: Eddie finds Ashley. Ashley is a smoke show. She’s charming, funny, and checks enough boxes for Eddie to go all in.
Within six months, they’re engaged. Six. Months. He’s convinced he’s found The One.

The cracks show almost immediately because, ya see, Ashley had her own checklist, too. And Eddie? He barely met the minimum requirements. She wanted a man who was always emotionally available.
Eddie, being a guy raised in a family where emotions were only expressed through sarcasm and hefeweizen, struggled with this.

Ashley also had a thing about social status. She loved the idea of being married to a soldier—until she realized that meant deployments, long hours, and a paycheck that wasn’t funding her dream of “Instagramworthy vacations.”

Eddie, being completely blinded by the idea of love rather than the actual work of love, ignored every single red flag, and most all of the orange or yellow ones too. Two-years later Eddie is in Iraq, and Ashley is back home… with his best friend and several other dudes. Classic.